The idea for this post comes from an idea that has been passed around about what bloggers will do if they are ever the vampire (discovered via the Vampire Librarian). This captured my attention because I have always been fascinated by vampires, and the thought of “being the vampire” tickles me in just the right way.

Of course, I do intend one day to be the librarian, but today I’m thinking about being The Librarian. Prompted by the news of a new sequel on its way (featuring a vampire, no less!), I watched, for the first time, The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. For all its flaws (and it indeed has many), I thoroughly enjoyed it, and would recommend it to any library nerd who doesn’t take cinema too seriously. However, there are a few things I would do differently as The Librarian:

• I will challenge even more stereotypes – being a male librarian with a female bodyguard is a good start, but perhaps I will also depict the library as a friendly place and maybe even not include a scene in which the audience is convinced that the natives of the Amazon jungle will boil me for dinner at any moment
• I will spend even more time in palatial libraries with bookshelves several storeys high, to the point that it could be considered library porn
• I will not tolerate the token female member of the bad guys being better looking than my bodyguard; I will, however, encourage said females to fight over my love even more often
• I will be clear about whether my film is a parody; if so, I will make a stronger effort to poke fun at the conventions of action films, and if not, I will make a stronger effort to create at least a couple of scenes that follow the laws of science as we know them
• I will not confuse the public any further about what a librarian actually does; if this calls for at least one scene involving a reference interview, so be it. Alternatively, I could change my title to Archivist of Things That Don’t Exist
• I will shoot at least a couple of scenes without the use of any computer animation or green screens
• I will not put my life on the line for a woman who is rude to me and, frankly, isn’t even as hot as she clearly thinks she is

Bonus: if I am ever the librarian in The Mummy, I will not set up my bookshelves like dominoes, especially if I am a klutz